If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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