dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
