I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
