I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
