Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize