sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
