I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
