New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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