Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
