I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
