Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
