FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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