this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Let's get the cat blown out
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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