Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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