I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize