When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I need to sanitize my soul.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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