I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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