Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
