he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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