Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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