i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
