My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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