I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
