There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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