Whod you bang
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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