i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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