my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
