So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
