Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
