Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
