if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
