I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
