Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
false alarm. still invincible.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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