My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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