I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
