Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
no, he came in my armpit
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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