my phone needs a breathalizer
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
