I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Randomize
