Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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