Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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