I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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