Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
