haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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