Having a random hookup so left but love u
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
