i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
