I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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