We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
