How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
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