I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i think i have two assholes
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
