I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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