You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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