in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
