her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
The uberlube is also flammable
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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