no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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