Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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