This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Couch. On fire.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
