I think im going to throw up on grandma
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
