what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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