Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
